Vegan Shenanigan’s guide to Shopping

Food shopping is obviously one of the biggest differences in your life when you become a vegan. If you’re finding it difficult, Vegan Shenanigans is here to give you a helping hand, showing you how to do it properly.

In England they started charging 5p for carrier bags last year or the year before, nobody remembers. Sadly this means a lot of people now use canvas bags. I say sadly as this makes it much harder to point out you’ve been trying single handedly to save the planet for years, you just look like a tight-arse who doesn’t want to fork out 5p (this is partly true). Now to stand out you need to buy canvas bags with vegan logos. Even better, paint your own vegan logos on the side of an existing bag, this can now be classed as “up-cycled”.

The Fruit & Veg isle.
Supermarkets usually have fruit and veg somewhere near the front, this is great because you won’t need to pass the meat and dairy sections. Fill your trolley to the top with as much as you can, making sure it’s all organic (any organic labels facing up). Now although you have enough pasta, rice and lentils to see you through the zombie apocalypse you’ll still need to go to the hippy/Polish section to browse. Oops, you’ve walked down the meat isle by “mistake”.

The meat isle.
It’s very important here to show your disgust. Make sure your homemade canvas bags are displayed. Turn your head, like reeeally turn it to the point you damage your neck. That’ll learn those fucking carnists! Now say something like, “oh look, a grave yard, that’s a funny thing to keep in a shop”. If you’re with a child remind them of the lovely animals in their books and explain that “yes, some people eat corpse”.

The dairy isle.
Treat this in a similar way to the meat isle. I would recommend the sentence “well there must be a lot of hungry calves somewhere. Oh no, that’s right, they kill them.” Volume is key here.

The free from area.
Pick up each item and read the ingrediants, even though it clearly states it’s vegan on the front, now put them back shaking your head. You’re just excited to be in an area filled with things you can eat, you want to touch it all but cant afford it. Make sure to smile and move politely out of the way for anyone else coming into the area. Really look them up and down. You must be nice to your fellow vegans (although there’s no proof they’re not gluten free slaughter house workers). Finally pick up the salad cream and leave.

The checkout.
If the person infront of you has meat or dairy on the conveyer belt put the divider way back from it to keep your items away from it. Make sure to tut. You could go as far as to wipe the conveyer belt down while tutting. Use a reusable wipe here, put it back in your bag “must make sure to put that on eco wash when I get home”.
This is the perfect opportunity to judge other people’s shopping. Pull faces when you spot animal products. Look the people in the eye and give them a disappointed expression, they really should know better.
Pay with cash, this way you might get a new £5 note in your change that you can refuse. Explain loudly why you’re refusing it.

Cycle home. Of course you cycled.

(The reality
Buy a tonne of houmous, bread, fruit and veg. Pick up a bar of dark chocolate with high hopes only to be disappointed reading “milk” in the ingrediants. Feel sad. Buy your stuff. Find you have too much to fit in your canvas bags, that you’ve now realised have some shit logo on them, but they were free when they built that massive shopping centre on that lovely green land. Accept a new £5 note without saying anything but feel sad about it.
Cycle home getting bags caught in your spokes.)

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