If you’re anything like me you only have one vegan friend (This sentence could also work without the word “vegan” in it). Becoming a vegan is going to make people want to visit you even less. Here’s Vegan Shenanigans guide to having friends round…
Explain you’re cooking and they won’t need to bring anything (haha stoopidheads, there won’t be a bit of meat or dairy in sight!). Oh drink, they can bring something to drink, you’re not made of money.
You’ve told everyone you’re cooking and you’re determined to make a vegan meal that everyone will love. All but your one vegan friend believe you survive on nuts, seeds, houmous and carrot sticks so you have to prove them wrong!
Trawl the internet for imaginative recipes. Eventually decide on houmous and carrot sticks for starters.
The main is something you’ve never heard of but the pictures looks great. You’re also not sure if you’re pronouncing it right.
Desert naturally is something that involves coconut cream. This is mainly because every vegan desert involves coconut cream. Banoffee pie! That’ll do!
You’re even going to make this all from scratch, that way it’ll have that extra fresh feeling to it. They are going to be impressed!
You’ve made your shopping list for the perfect meal. You’ve never used half of these ingredients before. Where are they? What are they? How are you supposed to find something when you have no idea if it comes in a jar, bottle or packet? Try asking a member of staff. Point out you need these ingredients as you’re making a vegan meal. Make sure when you say this that you use the same tone as if you’ve just told them you’ve devoted your life to saving starving orphans while asking for nothing in return. They will look at you blankly. This is a perfect opportunity to belittle the staff member for not knowing every one of the thousands of products in their shop. You’d have thought they’d have given better training and robot brains to the people they can’t be arsed to pay more than minimum wage to. Make a reminder to complain on social media about the shops lack of vegan product knowledge. Google the product to find what it looks like and add it to your trolley. Even though this shopping trip was just for the ingredients of this one meal it will somehow come to the same price you’d pay roughly for a month’s worth of shopping. This is going to be delicious!
You manage to use every gadget and utensil you own but you’re not sure why. Somehow half of the ingredients are all up the wall, on your units and the dog’s a bit confused as to how she’s going to reach that part of her back that you dropped the sauce on.
You can’t get the coconut cream to stiffen like it does in the recipe, the soy bits you bought are refusing to soften up, and the houmous has a very strange texture to it.
Oh balls, they’re already here, it can’t be that time already can it? You’re no where near ready, ply them with drink until you are.
They’ve all picked at the carrot sticks and houmous with that “I could never do this face”.
The mains, everyone eats silently as they struggle to chew. Feeling proud you ask them how it is. “Mmm yeah it’s good” they nod slowly, “hmm yeah” someone else confirms. You spend the rest of the meal talking to the other vegan about how you prepared it, all the ingredients, why you could never go back to eating dairy, how immoral it is and everything you’ve ever read about veal. You both take pictures of it so you can put it on instagram.
Everyone thanks you and says “no really, it was lovely”. They then make their way to a kebab shop to get some meat like junkies dragging themselves to their dealer. They will genuinely believe they’re feeling a lack of protein at this point bless ’em. They did all love the banoffee pie but felt they couldn’t admit this to each other as that would seem like coming out.
Thanks for reading! Again feel free to steal my top tips!