A Guide To...

Vegan Shenanigans Guide to Trick or Treating

It’s that time of year again when the shops have started selling Christmas items, this can only mean one thing, it’s Halloween soon!

Everyone loves Halloween! Oh hang on, you’re a vegan now, all those sweets are filled with all kind of manky animal stuff, this might not be as easy as before. Not to worry, I’m here with Vegan Shenanigans guide to Trick or Treating to help you out!

(I’m aiming this at parents with small kids at this point by the way. If you’re a 6ft teenage boy who still has the trick or treat urge, do us all a favour and don’t knock on our doors dressed as a serial killer because you’re actually scary. Please buy yourself some sweets and stay at home playing call of duty or whatever it is kids do these days.)

Going out trick or treating.
You and the kids need an outfit, something nice and scary. If they want to dress as something along the lines of a vampire, witch or zombie you tell them no. Why would you dress as something made up? Get them dressed up as a butcher or a fox hunter and explain that these are the real monsters godammit!

Quite often trick or treaters will stick to knocking on houses who have pumpkins outside or decorations as they don’t want to disturb people. This is wrong! If you knock on a house where they don’t answer the door simply get your kids to shout “do you know what the egg industry do to male chicks?” etc, through the letter box. This is obviously to replace “egging” someones house. There are many egg replacements available to buy that could be thrown at the property but I just can’t stand food waste, even before I was vegan, so please don’t start throwing apple sauce or soaked chia seeds around.

Your little angels have knocked at a door that has been answered. “Oh aren’t you cute” and all that, says the polite adult who doesn’t have a clue what they’re dressed as. They reach into a bag of sweets but before they can offer them to the kids, you stop them. “Do those sweets contain gelatine?”. Nice. You’ve completely thrown them. Ask to see the ingredients. They claim to have thrown the packet away. Disgusting. Are they even organic you wonder. What kind of muck are they trying to poison your kids with? Tut, this is a perfect opportunity to tut, use it. Let them know that you won’t be reporting them this time but your children will accept some fruit, thank you very much. Leave while muttering how unbelievable these people are. Repeat this step at every house.

There is a high chance your child will cry after spotting the sweets and leaving without them. Simply remind them that piglets don’t get a chance to ever taste sweets as they’re locked in tiny cages and they should be thankful they’re not a piglet who’s mum will be slaughtered any day now.

Staying in on Halloween.
You don’t have kids but you do love their little faces when they come knocking for sweets. Dress as Gordon Ramsey, just squash some pink plasticine on your face and wear an apron for this one, nice and easy but also terrifying for multiple reasons.
Get your pumpkin ready on the door step. Why not carve a sore, swollen udder on it. Have a fruit bowl by the door for trick or treaters. Fill it with grapes or give them a segment of orange each so you don’t run out, with that pumpkin outside you know your house is going to be the most popular in the street. Make sure you scream obscenities at the kids as you’re handing them their treats for the full Gordon Ramsey effect.
If you do get egged simply put tiny gravestones out of respect where each egg has landed but honestly who would dare to egg the house that that Gordon Ramsey thing lives in?

That should cover most of it. This is going to be the best Trick or Treating ever! You’re welcome again.

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